Thirteenth Step

Hey guys and gals...I know I usually just ramble off a really long essay about various things and various permutations and combinations of things causing those various things. It's a vicious cycle of opinions :P...none the less today what I'm about to post is not gonna b an opinion based essay....it's actually going to be a lil' something I created on the eve of a very special day to me. Be forewarned that the following piece is a poem, so for those of you a lil' aversive towards poetry stay away or go read or do something that makes your senses tingle with anticipation and excitement...otherwise check this out and I would really appreciate some feedback :). So be kind and leave a msg down below :D, thunkers and have yourselves a good weekend folks.There will be a post following this, probably some time o'er the weekend, but this is what I have for now, so when you're done reading don't be shy to leave feedback folks...haven't you heard? Feedback is good for the soul :). Thanks for sticking around thus far on this insane ride/journey :), hopefully the wheels keep turning on here for a while before this particular train is outta juice and service...take care peepz!

The Thirteenth Step

Step 1…you take a step
You take a breath,
And you make your
presence felt.
No inhibitions,
Actions of innocence;
An aura of purity felt.
Living life at it’s most
genuine,
And honest best.
Until Step 2 comes around.
Wobbly, shaky,
Hesitant…resistant,
You take your step
anyway.
Moving forward,
Swaying backward,
Shutting your eyes,
While skipping ahead;
CRASH…BOOM
Things falling apart,
The first layers of
An untainted innocence
shed.
Garnished with them
pearly tears,
Learning about
That good old myth
called fear;
Savoring, better yet,

Tasting that very first
Dose of reality…
Confused, bedazzled,
You keep looking ahead.
Not knowing to,

Nor wanting to,
But out of compulsion,
Out of being told to
do so.
Being cajoled into
learning that
Oh so mighty lesson
of bravery.
You know the one,

You’ve heard it before…

The one they call a true
friend,

The one they consider
To be nothing short of
a devastating blow
To many a foe…
Or so you are told,

So you are taught;
Nodding your young
innocent head,

Confused…bewildered,

And wiping away,
The rest of your tears,

You set foot
Onwards to Step 3.

A little less confused,

A little less dazed,

Though life still passes
you by in a haze.

Shedding those layers
Of naivety and purity,
Without realizing,

Without seeing,

You move along,
You carry on…

Trudging…some days,

Racing ahead on any
other given day.

Faster than the gusty
wind,

Racing along with you
With that spirit,
That need, the urge
To grow up faster,

To grow taller faster,

Learn sooner,

Leave earlier,

Live dreams sooner;

And before you know it,
The blink of an eye,

Snap of a finger,

The world you live in,
Comes crashing down,

Up ahead atop your head.

Stuck, broken,

You scream out…

In confusion, agony, pain,

Where did I go wrong?

You question, you ask.

Don’t give up!

You hear the voices
in your head,

Repeating and whispering
unto your self.
Rise above!!
You hear them cheer
you on.
Memories of your long
time friend bravery,

Resurfacing, and,
Finding their way back
to you.

Serving to be the epitome
of loyalty
And all things a friend
should be.
You choke on your tears,

Broken by your fears;
You look up,
To that unknown
ethereal power.
Your angry tears,

Blazing their trails,

Fuelling that fire,

Burning deep inside…

You question, you stare,
You glare…you shatter.

And out of the blue,

You feel a warmth,
Surround you…

Embrace you...blanket
you…

Whispering words of
comfort,
Humming sounds of
hope.
Until…there it is…

That little crack of light,
That little sliver of
hope,

Making it’s presence
felt.

Giving you the strength,

To pick yourself up,

And march onwards,

To Step 4.

Away, away,

You keep walking,

Onward towards

Step 4.

Pondering a way,

To not let the darkness
consume you whole.

You stop a while,

And revisit,

Those lessons of a
time passed.

Memories renewed,

Victories re-savored,

Defeats re-lived,

They jolt you to life.

Suddenly the path
ahead,

Doesn’t seem as scary
anymore.

Those doubts of yours,

Don’t question you
anymore…

You take a big, deep
breath,

You step ahead,

And dive and plunge
on,

Off towards Step number
5.

They say confession is
good for the soul.

What they never say,

Is whose soul,

Feels the coolness,

Or the gentleness
Of that balm of peace,
clarity and serenity.
What they never say,

Is how twisted,

Or wicked,

A soul can be.

To use your pain against
you.

To revel…
In the brutality and
cruelty,

Of crushing yours,
Into infinitely, tiny
pieces.
Neither hindered by
consequences,

Nor perturbed by the
turning hands of time;

Confessed, tried,
Tired and emptied…

You keep walking on,

Head held high,

You stride on,

Off to Step 6 you go.

You find yourself
in a cycle…

Confused, it makes you
wonder,
Makes you contemplate,
and acknowledge,

Those little pranksters,

Consequence, and,
awareness.

You reflect…you ponder,

And then…

It hits you!

Life isn’t about,

Being a bed of roses,

Nor is it

The fiery furnace of hell.

You…like the way of life,

Need both your paradise,

And your hell,

So as to learn, live and
lead.

You realize,

Without chaos,

There is no order.

You learn the simple,

Yet ultimate truth
Of acceptance.

Lesson learned,

Wisdom secured,

You walk ahead.

Filled with a renewed
Sense of humility,

On towards Step 9 you
go.

At Step 9,

You stop…you pause,

And take a look back;

At how far you’ve
traveled,

And wonder

Just how much further
You, have yet to go.

You look back,

At good times had,

At bad times,

You wished never
happened.

You heave a sigh,

Wishing you could
turn back time,
Right your wrongs,

Take away the painful
memories;

Swearing never to

do that ever again.

With your new found
companion Repentance,

You walk together,

Up ahead on that path,

That leads to Step 10.

With promises,

And vows,

Of righting

All those wrongs you
once caused.

Like someone on a
mission,

You march forward,

With promises to keep,

And a conscience to
ease.

At Step 10,

You wait a while,

You find a need
to linger.

To remember,

All you lost,

Yet all that you gained.

Paths walked…
And paths you strayed
away from.
Shaking your head,

At your follies,

Cracking a smile
at your naivety,

You walk on towards
Step 11.

A twang of regret,

Making it’s way
through,

Regretting the loss,

Of an age of innocence,

Of purity…of naivety;

To a world we lost…

At Step 11,

You meet your long lost
friend,

Well forgotten enemy,

Reflection;

A reminder of,

Things you did,

And secrets you hid.

You wonder…you
question,

Whether or If

You could make a
difference.

Questions swirling,

Doubts twirling,

You tread lightly,

Towards Step 12.

At Step 12,

You befriend,

Your long lost friend…
The one piece,

Of that puzzle
you call life;

You meet Redemption,

Hand shaken,

You embrace each other,
Whispering solemnly,

Of sights seen,
Lessons learned,

And ultimately,

You bring up

Your quest for salvation;

From demons,

Too many to scare away,

From ghosts of past,

That have worn you
down to the bone.

To save those,

From the pitfalls,

You once had.

Hand in hand,

Taking almost full
command,

Of this darned thing
called life,

You walk forward,

Boldly, bravely…

With a confidence
anew,

Up, up and away,

You say,

On to Step 13,

Let’s make our way.

At Step 13,

You wonder…

Is this salvation?

Or is my salvation,

The lessons I lived
through,

All those 12 steps ago?

You smile a small,

Yet whole-hearted
smile,

With the knowledge,
Of your salvation

Being the journey you
traveled.

And at Step 13,

You meet the oldest,

Yet closest friend of
all,

The mighty friend we
call Wisdom.

A sense of peace…

Of tranquility,

Seeps through your
pores.

A feeling you never
felt before…

And you finally see,
and feel,

The warmth of that light

You once saw…

That tiny sliver,

That found it’s way,

Into the abyss,

You once fell into.

With a sense of fulfillment,

You savor the light.

Bathing you in it’s
radiance,

You realize then,

How your life,

Has come full circle.

You realize,

You, are your own
cause and effect.

With a realization so
profound,

You set off on a new
journey.

A new path you build,
You create…you walk

To share your

Treasures of wisdom,

And wealth of knowledge.

No longer ignorant,

You walk ahead,

Not with a trace of
hesitation,

Nor overconfidence,

But, with a sense of
purpose,

And a sense of being
one,

Not just with one’s
self,

But also,

With all that around
us,

And all that surrounds
us.

(SJ, April 12, 2011)

What's the Story

These last few days I feel like I've lived the life of a butterfly, from the caterpillar to the cocoon blossomin' butterfly. The last few weeks have been ones filled with pressure, anxiety, tension , an inexplicably explicable sadness of sorts, countless doubts and a whole shabang of the not so sunny side of life that the great kitchen called life has to serve. I'm not saying all those feelings got resolved or anything of the sort, I wish I could say that and say I will never have those thoughts again, but c'mon you and I both know that's absolute and complete BS. Man, this summer has been a crazy one for starters, I feel like I haven't had much of a chance to breathe...even though there are people who would say otherwise lol. In a way it has also been a very unique summer, where time literally flew right by, I mean one moment I was prepping myself to get beaten up by my exams back in school and was literally a day away from being done my finals and getting ready to get home, the next moment I was back home and gettin' into the full swing of things on the wedding front then the next moment I started on my next venture of the being home series and before you know it it's time for me to get packin' to head back to school.

On the one hand while this summer was one where I reflected upon quite a few moments in the past few months and re-lived them mentally it was also one where my head decided it was time to play the word game and so it set out to come with up ideas in that upper chamber that never functions on demand and never stops when not in demand. I wouldn't say that it was the ultimate summer as far as my writing is concerned, yes for the newly inducted members/readers of this insanity called my blog I am a full time student and a part time writer. I mean on the one hand I celebrated a 2 year anniversary with one of my projects, which I hope will be completed and will see the light of day in the 'finished'/completed department, 'cuz those who know me know that most of my stories are incomplete works in progress...all except for one, namely "The Locker Chronicles"...which again I must say not a lotta people have read, well except for one person I think, and we went into technical details with the story lol. And no I ain't posting Locker Chronicles on here 'cuz its way too long and much more wordy than what I'm churning out at the moment :P..yeah I know can you believe it? I used to be far more wordy than I am at this given point in time :P.

My battle with self doubt stems from a variety of things, but the one thing that was brought into question as a result of several factors was my dedication towards my goals. You know that saying right that goes along the liens of "When it rains it pours", well lets just say I was having tropical storms and tsunamis up in thinking spot. I was having one of my 'I accept that I shall be forever marooned on the Island of Loneliness' moments when all this occurred, so that obviously sent me spiraling in a direction that I can't even give a proper name to, its worse than one of those vector problems you gotta solve in Physics...you know the ones involving the calculation of total displacement using angles, trig and X and Y components...clearly you can see I miss the simple complexities of math and science :P...Anyway, I won't say much else 'bout my self esteem 'cuz at this point in time I don't think I'm ready to hear things that I'm already very well aware of...not necessarily a whole bunch of people are aware of the factors but eh meh shmeh, I am and will be whatever and whoever I am because of a combination of permutations and combinations that are at times way too much for my miniscule yet overactive and moody brain to handle.

That being said, I'm pretty sure I knew where this entry was headed when I first started, but due to a few constant interruptions I've been pretty much run off the playing field into the sidelines, well more so off the playing field and the stadium and into it's surrounding areas, which frankly is a lil' scary. My mind is a jumble of thoughts, I was gonna have a lil' bit of a movie review going on in here, considering how the familia and I went and watched "Salt" a few hours ago and I had a few things to write 'bout the movie. The next thing on my agenda was to solemnly state my declaration of reaching my half century mark on this word churning blog. I think the last time I checked I was sitting at 38...so it dun' look too bad eh? And more than bad it dun' look too impossible to hit that half a century mark, at least I'm past the quarter century...yayyyy. Right...moving along, and then I was gonna write 'bout the books I've accumulated which have brought me much satisfaction on the one hand and an absolute craving to go back to the bookstore and look for more :D. I was surprised to see that there were no Superman comics at the bookstore, though I was very close to buying the Final Crisis graphic novel....it looked AWESOME though of course I do wanna get the build up of books before Final Crisis. So yeah, I was let down by the lack of Superman graphic novels, but I did see Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere in the graphic novel format and that was pretty exciting to see. It was exactly the way I visualized it but that book is bloody brilliant. All I have to say is that Neil Gaiman is bloody brilliant, if you get a chance to read his books please do so, though I must warn you that they are on the fantastical side of fantasy and a dash of sci-fi as well, but more so fantasy. For those of you who haven't heard of NG, there are 2 movies in particular that were released within a span of 5 years I guess, that are based on his books...the movie Stardust and the other movie being Coraline. He has quite the vivid imagination and those books do transport you to another world, and he's also the author of the series of "The Sandman" graphic novels.

Anyhow kids, I'm gonna end these series of thoughts scaling a multitude of topics, here. Hope you're all doing well and that things have been goin' well fer ye all. Oh on another concluding note, I would like to say that I have come up with a title for my 2010 collection of poems, I was sitting down to study and the first thing that popped into my head was the title. Shows you how keen my focus is on studying lol. Righto, well I'm off now and I shall be back on here later. Cheers and take care!