Umbrella

Well that lil' thing is a dear friend on sunny, rainy and flurry filled days. A true friend might I add. So is this a special segment on a very useful and handy fashion if not living accessory? Nah, don't worry, I haven't traded places and spaces with fashion world and then some. I'm still in that same space where I'm gonna drone on about something to do with people, emotions and all that sorts snappy, sappy schnazz. The post title is an ode to a song that I share some particularly fond memories with. It just felt apt to use the title, as this is a post about tying up lose ends.

It's been a few months since I've written on here, life's kinda sorta catching up to me as are it's responsibilities. Some days you just wanna say to hell with everything and do what you want to do. While writing is what I do want to do while I'm not busting my skull, sometimes even that loses it's flair and majesty and all that's left is a lotta brooding and pensive thoughts, that would put Batman's brooding nature to shame.

Summer is a time for relaxation, rejuvenation and rediscovery and well, discovery. And mine has been nothing short of that. I've rediscovered writing poetry if nething, hell in fact I've written more poetry this year than I have in the past 2 or 3 years. There was that time when I stopped and figuerd there would be no returning to something that I spent a huge chunk of my life working on. That was mostly due to the fact that I lost a decade's worth of work due to geocities shutting down and certain other life altering events (which when I look back at now make me howl with laughter). Now had I known they were shutting down, then I'm quite sure I would've found a way to preserve my stuff. But oh well, nothing much can be done about that now, what's gone is gone and you can't exactly turn back the clock and save it. Besides, without a lil' cleaning up and throwing out, how can you ever get your mind to work on something fresh and new?

Using that same train of thought, this summer has definitely shed a lot of light in another aspect of my life that I do tend to write about...you know the whole relationship and bonds with other people side of things. I think there was a massive unveiling ceremony that went down earlier in the year that made me re-think a lot of things. It's a great feeling when your close friends, well who literally by extension are family, appreciate you and tell you just how wonderful a friend you are and in some cases just compliment you to the moon and back (no no not setting up for narcissism.) Well I'm the kinda person who can't take too many compliments, just because I've been hard-wired that way from a very long time ago. Compliments for the things I did and achieved weren't exactly far too many and you tend to get used to not hearing a lot being said or being appreciated per-se. Which sometimes is a good thing, 'cuz then you get far fewer cocky bastards who think they own the world and the whole world owes them a favour, and well on the flip side you get the self esteem problem oriented team. Pros and cons everywhere people. But like I was saying, earlier this year, I got chastised for doing and being the person/friend I've been all my life or at least for the time period that the friendship has existed. Well to say it's been a surprising event this year would be sorta kinda an understatement. It's been annoying as hell though 'cuz I don't like unfinished business and I particularly don't like things that displace me and make me re-think and replay words and actions over and over again. Most people usually dust their hands off and say to hell with it, I'm either worth it or not, in which case your loss. So yeah I hate having to overthink BS when I don't have to and especially when I'm not getting paid to do so.

Though it's been a welcoming change, because, I actually got the opportunity to track back o'er the years and see just how much I overlooked. I let things slide then, probably because at that point in time I had a certain amount of resentment, perhaps bitterness and a rather relentless unforgiving take on things with others and with the situation(s) I was in. It's not hard to overlook things when you're so busy scrutinizing, weighing, juggling and handling multiple other things and onslaughts and blaming yourself and others for a lot of things. But at the same time it's not an excuse to be blinded to the reality you're surrounded by. Usually when things are off center I'm usually off like a bloodhound on a trail to fix things. But this time around, I finally decided, no more nice guy business, I'm not gonna be the one running behind to fix and make things work. If you wanna go off the grid, then that's your choice and your decision. If you decide to resurface I guess try your luck and see if the things and people you're used to seeing are still around or have moved on. That's the price you pay for the decisions you make. Every decision and action has a consequence and you should be willing to face it before you dive into it. I know it's easier said than done, and who the hell am I to be spouting off stuff like this neway right? Let's just say I'm experience's crash dummy, who has had expectations, dreams, hopes, requests, heart and sentiments crushed, dashed and crashed quite a few too many times. Now all that remains is to openly bitch about the instances, people and events right? In that case you better wait for the memoirs :P.

Well I guess it's time to wind down, this summer has been one filled with well re-evaluation, prioritization and liberation. I'm not sure if I've felt freer acknowledging and not giving a damn about things than I have in the past. Usually I'd be on the edge of my wits trying to 'fix' things, but I guess if some things are meant to be fixed then they'll get fixed, and if they were meant to last only a certain moment of your life, well then the moment has ended and it's time to chase and make a new one. Relinquish that which is beyond your control, and if you want to make things b8r don't ever compromise yourself, your values or beliefs. People, especially those closest to you, who make you reconsider your actions and thoughts and the way you've always done things just because you happened to use the same things with them and they didn't like it, ain't worth another moment of your time. That's when the decision is up to them to either accept you wholly or to just walk away, you aren't a monthly or weekly installment payment plan to put up with nonsense. It really is that simple. Keep it simple and fresh, and I hope your summer has been as refreshing and liberating and akin to a cool and refreshing glass of iced tea as mine has been.

Haunted

Howdy folks...I hope all is going well with each and every one of you :). Most people are probably soaking in the awesome-ness of the long weekend courtesy Easter, well here's wishing you all a happy and blessed Easter...if anything enjoy the time you get to spend with your family and friends and soak in the memories :). You never know when you're gonna need the comfort of those memories to ease and appease your days, it's that snappy, funky, crazy thing about life...it pops you in the nose some days and gives you a huge ass unexpected but very welcome bear hug on others.

Anyway, on other notes, have you guys ever woken up...and in those moments between consciously knowing you're waking up and opening your eyes...you visualize the worst possible repressed/suppressed/worst memories ever? I mean the memories are just so clear, specific and so precise in every detail, it's almost as if you got teleported back to that moment and you're re-living every bloody nano/micro second of it. It's not enough that you do everything in your power to block it out, to forget, to carry on and move along, but it really bites when it sneaks up on you and sucker punches you while you're reeling to get your wits about you. Every time I think I've moved forward I loose my footing and go stumbling down that vortex and to be honest it isn't a lotta fun. Every single time I can just feel yet another piece of me die, naw they don't turn into horcruxes...I'm not into the darkest and most evil form of magic, Voldemort & Co. don't really catch my fancy so eh, I'm part of the task force that would thoroughly enjoy kicking his ass. Speaking of which, for those of you who are as crazy 'bout that series as I am then I would like to inform you that the promo for the concluding part or rather the final chapter of Book 7/Movie 7 is out and HELL YEAH it looks freaking wicked....it's booked and a done deal. Them HP movies just like the books are a family affair as far as my familia is concerned. 

None the less, I do digress....I was talking about them ghosts and nightmares that you wish you could either exorcise or forever banish from your thoughts and your mind. Turns out that isn't a very feasible option just yet, yeah there's ways to deal with it, sure see a shrink, talk to people about it, spread, diffuse do what you have to right? Yeah the more you talk 'bout it, the more you confront it the easier it gets to handle it...but end of the day you're still the one bearing your corsses and picking your weeds and living with the weight of your thoughts. Of course you can choose to either let the weight of your thoughts suffocate you and bury you alive...some days it seems like the best thing to do, not because you're a masochist, but, sometimes losing yourself in the darkness of your abyss and feeling the strain of your thoughts brings a new sense of clarity, a new sense of resilience and a certain degree of enlightenment...or at least that's what I try to tell myself. That's not to say there are some days where I just sit and try to sift through the remnants of myself, heck I'd rather call it shrapnel as opposed to remnants....there is nothing to remember in those tiny itty bitty memory pieces. It's easy to say 'get over it', 'move on with your life' or 'it happened so long ago it makes no difference now', but, it's a completely different story when theory is in the process of being applied. Yeah it's easy to move on, but really what the hell does it even mean to move on? Isn't it just the general concept and embodiment that's you coming to terms with the situation that's driving you up the wall? Isn't it basically your mind and senses syncing up and calling a truce? Well guess what kids, there are some things in life that may take an entire lifetime before you end up coming to a truce with yourself. Wanna know what you do in the mean time? In the meantime you can choose the oft traveled path of ignorance, which might I add, is a very very popular path that people often tend to tread...especially in this day and age. We find it easier to switch off our thought processes and run far away from things that could potentially be labelled as our shortcomings. We love seeing that part of the reflection that enhances our concept of perfection, I mean it's all we see or it's all we'd rather see. I don't exactly blame anyone in particular, except for ourselves. We're so obsessed on marketing ourselves as the next best thing, if not THE BEST thing out there that somewhere along the line we forget that we're just as delicate and fragile as that exquisite and crazy pricey Swarovski piece that just makes everything else look soooooo much better. Yes I'm surrounded by people who love absolutely anything and everything Swarovski (myself included)...though with me it depends on the piece, just cuz the name's Swarovski doesn't mean I'm going gaga o'er it...& before u ask yes I do like Lady Gaga as well, but I haven't heard anything new so pls do me a favour and don't decide to gimme a preview and sing sum'n that sounds nothing like the original. At least by doing so you can spare me the agony of going deaf just yet, I mean I know it's written in the cards and is bound to happen somewhere down the line in the future but I would much rather prefer my deafness being the result of my wicked ways of cranking up the volume with the muzaaakkk rather than have some third party kill my hearing with their vocals....for instance, my lovely brother pulling an LG would be very injurious to my health. That being said though, there was this moment last year when I was on the phone with him and he started singing the sound effects part of 'Poker face'...it was a very interesting conversation 'cuz at first I thought I was losing my mind 'cuz I wasn't able to understand the words coming outta his mouth, then I realized he was singing....so I did the next best thing...I joined in. I'm sure mum thought we lost our minds 'cuz at the end of it broda was giggling lol. Oh well losing minds is a genetic thing, I mean we had to pick it up from the folks :P.

The power of memory is both crushing and gratifying, in a way it's the boon and the bane that humanity signed up for I guess. Like the power of choice wasn't good enough for us to screw each other and ourselves over with, sure lets give these humans the power to recall and relive things and see just how they fare. Higher cognitive functioning mumbo jumbo nonsense...how are we any superior than all the other living systems if we don't use the lessons of our past to solidify and secure our future? Hell we're still following Hammurabi's code aren't we? Eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth? Sometimes the greatest scars inflicted upon a soul are those that are self-inflicted...sometimes that act of self infliction is not one that we consciously go about, but it's that very power of memory that can either have us standing taller than the tallest structure in the world and sometimes it's the very thing that reduces us to nothing but ashes in the blink of an eye. The M&M factor is a dangerous thing (Mind and memory not the chocolates but damn I could do with a pack of 'em right 'bout now) so do me a favour and try not to just bring out it's ruthless side out...people these days are strapped for hope and it would actually be refreshing to see that not everyone is a conniving son-of-a-bitch with an agenda of their own who is trying to pull the other down. Sometimes a lil' compassion goes a long way, sometimes it could literally be the difference between life and death. I know these all seem like such grandoise statements and repetitions of things echoed in the past but it's just ridiculous, repulsive and annoying to keep running into the same bullshit on a constant basis. But that's a tirade for another time and another day, if I ever remember to go on a mindless rant about it later then I think there most definitely will be something that I say then.

A'ite kids I think I'm gonna sign off on this post right 'bout now, there was a good span of a few days between when I started this and when I've finished this so if anything the thought process is a lil' all over the place, but hopefully the next one won't be quite as much. I have too many shadows and ghosts lingering around me, sometimes and some days some ghosts like to rear their ugly heads a lil' more often than I'd like them to. It's just difficult some days to sit there and verbalize your demons when just visualizing them paralyzes and cripples you in any and every possible way. It literally sucks the very life outta you that it becomes really difficult to put verbalize and vocalize it. No amount of dream catchers are gonna be able to do anything about the nightmares I have, but like they say life ain't a bed of roses....if it ain't a bed of roses for the living then whaddaya think it is for the living dead? That brings me to the next lil' bit here, I have sum'n that's the start of a poem, tel ya what, if and when I get done and done with it I might just post it on here, not sure though, we'll see how it goes. Well on that note boys and girls I'm gonna exit stage right or left, whichever direction suits your needs :P and try and make my way through that long winded path that pretty much is the way to my dreams. I hope all is well with ya'll and life ain't handing you down too much of a beating...someone once told me that life only gives you what you can handle...so don't worry you've got this under control and you'll get through this, it's why you're here and it's why you are who you are and nobody can take that away from you ever! Take care kids and here's until next time!

We are not all born innocent,
We are not all born guilty,
Redemption is for those
seeking answers,
While salvation...
Is for those seeking
the truth.

Song(s) of the Day:

Song: Broken
Artist/Band: Lifehouse
Album: Who We Are
Release Date: July 8, Circa 2008

Song: Apologize
Artist/Band: OneRepublic
Album: Dreaming Out Loud
Release Date: November 20, Circa 2007

Wisdom

It comes in all shapes and sizes really, the other day when I came waltzing or rather bouncing down the stairs, and no I didn't fall, my dad called me over to his office and insisted that I read one of his favourite books. I was intrigued and excited all at the same time to see what it was that he wanted to share with me. So after almost trippin' over the obstacle course in his office he gave me his book with the most boyish smile and with this twinkle in his eye. I had this half amused expression, or at least I'm sure I did the facial muscles felt they were in that position so hey I guess it musta been half amused unless it was a grimace. I looked down at the cover and lo and behold I was staring at a title that read "Oh The Places You Will Go" followed by my eyes catching the name "Dr. Seuss." I tossed dad a quirked eyebrow look and he said go go go go read it now, you should read it whenever you can, its so well written. So being the obedient child that I am I headed over to my living room with the nice comfy couch and started reading the book. And lemme tell you all sum'n, those moments were the best moments of my day and definitely falls in the top 10 moments of my life category. I mean it wasn't written by a heavy thinker, a philosopher or a mental case with a conscience full of repentance or reflection. It was so profound yet so simple and it had me marvelling at the mere simplicity with which wisdom can make itself visible to you, me and everybody. I mean we all live such fast paced lives that we forget to stop and smell the roses or grass or the smell of spring or summer or fall or even winter for that matter. We're either rushin or crammin to get that last bit of info into our heads or to get that last bit of formattin' in for that presentation we have. We end up pushing all the anxiety buttons and forget to breathe, I've found takin' a few deep breaths to be a lil' reassuring, not a 100% cure for anxiety but it helps to clear up a few cobwebs. My other anti anxiety helper would be sugar, or more specifically chocolate...no wait that's a lie, it would be music followed by sugar :P. Anyway, I am on a tangent here but yeah if you guys feel stuck in a rutt some time, take some time out if not make some time to read this book or any children oriented book...you'd be amazed by what you find, trust me I've tried it...okay no you can disregard me being an 8 year old forever when I dole out advice like the line mentioned above, but give it a shot. Life is too short to get caught up in a tangled web all the time, so take some time out to re-live moments. They leave you feeling rejuvenated, renewed and most importantly they leave you feeling much happier than before.

Now here's a question for you, what do you do when your mind is a 100 miles away from your heart and your heart is a thousand or more miles away from everything else? Well it isn't a rhetorical question people lol, its actually quite a legit question. You could probably re-integrate this into a Physics problem using vectors and using the whole displacement, velocity thing and then changing that into the d-t, v-t graphs i.e the displacement time graphs and velocity time graphs...man that brings back some real old memories lol. Good ol' BPCI and Mr. Dyal, though I must say that he was an amazing teacher...my most memorable physics project being the 'Mousetrap Car' project. Our team really put in a lotta effort with that project and it was a lotta work, but I think the most memorable thing 'bout that project was a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment when we finished it. High school was a good time and I'm thankful I didn't have a lotta horror stories from there and things were different. There were friendships made, some you sorta kinda knew were the kind that wouldn't stick for long and had a shelf life. And then there were some bonds formed that withstood and I think still do withstand the tests of time. And once again I did get extremely lucky with the friends I made, in a way the thing 'bout memories I have 'bout those awesome people I know are flashes of a time when they were still diamonds in the rough and seeing how far they've come and how far they have yet to go just makes my heart swell with pride and yes that usually ends up with me grinning like an idiot. I'm uncertain about the future and where we all will be or will wind up at and I'm not sure if we'll be closer or just distant memories, none the less its never too late to be thankful for all y'all have done and been through with me. Yes I do know I'm quite the proverbial handful with a tonne of issues :D, but hey you can't get a perfect package always right?

None the less I find myself in segue mode, so lemme collect myself and sorta work towards putting a full stop to this entry as I do have a tonne of work ahead of me. Well firstly I'd like to blame Rihanna's "Umbrella" putting me on that sprint down memory lane, no that song did not come out while I was in High School lol. But, I was in a car with 2 of the most amazing people in my life and this was in December and the radio station was playing the best trax of the year and Umbrella was the #1 track that year and so the 3 of us were singing along lol, yeah we had 3 different pitches goin' on but hey it was fun 'cuz Rihanna overpowered us all with that magic dial called 'Volume' :P. But it was one of the most memorable things 'bout that winter and one of those crazy 2 was actually shippin' out for further akademikness and so this was us celebratin' lol.

Anyway kids, I hope you've all been safe and sound and yes there was a wedding that happened, I will write more 'bout that big day another day lol, when my brain is in top gear to ramble on 'bout the proceedings :D. For now, the brain has other things to ponder and marvel and wonder at so cheers for now, oh and on an exit stage right or left note, if you guys get the time watch this show on TNT called "LEVERAGE"...its bloody awesome :D and I'm on re-run mode a'ready 'cuz I'm not that patient when it comes to waiting for episodes and my mind is forever churning, turnin' and thinking so yeah in order to keep it quiet I run the re-runs lol. Take care peepz and hope all is well with everybody :). Cheers and the soundtracks will come up next time too, I'm too lazy to share any music right now so I guess listen to the beat that's rockin' you currently and have a blast.