The Conflicted Conscience

Hey guys and gals...just posting up one of my new creations on here, nothing too fancy shmancy, and as always, the mantra's the same --> feedback is much appreciated so leave some at your own risk...Have a fantastic holiday season!
 

Conflicted Conscience

We reflect,
We wonder;
We spend all our
glorious time,
And moments,
Sitting around to
ponder.
Worrying about,
The hows, and whys;
And the maybes,
and sometimes.
Even those annoying
what ifs find a way to cross,
Our ever tangled minds.
Despite the epiphanies,
And conclusions,
And oh so many countless
resolutions...
We never seem to
move on;
Nor, proceed in the
Supposed right direction.
We still drift,
As clueless, aimless
And directionless,
As leaves, dancing
In the confused melody
Of the winds.
We swear, we promise,
Never again, to waste,
Our precious time,
In such fruitless endeavours.
Where, we seem to be,
The only ones who see,
Rather, who choose to see,
What’s become of us,
And those around us,
And seek answers,
To the inexplicable nature,
Of people,
Of friends,
Of emotions,
Of thoughts,
And of life.
How is it a gift?
When it is born
Out of nothing,
Does nothing,
And resolves nothing?
How can we be free?
When our thoughts,
Our wishes,
Our dreams,
Our visions,
And our beliefs,
Seem to always clash,
And be in a state of
conflict,
With the people we are,
And the people we,
Try to blend in with,
And try to be?

SJ

Staccato

These past few days, there have been countless things that have been competing and racing for a spot as far as my attention is concerned, just so that I can channel and focus in on one of 'em and write an elaborate post 'bout the winning thought. Unfortunately, my brain patterns have been very much like the title of this post...well actually that's not a very unfortunate thing, but you know after a while all you hear or rather sense are short bursts of sharp thoughts that have no musical tone whatsoever. Every time I've sat down to dish out something to post on here all I get is a collective piece of staccato notes expressing themselves, and sounding rather dissonant at times.

The past few weeks have zoomed by so fast, that now when I sit down to try and think back to what it was my heart was set on to write about, I can't seem to remember any of them. I attribute this to a general sense of laziness and perhaps a lack of interest in the world and people around and next to me, that seems to have crept up on me. Actually after finishing up my 2nd story (which still needs a little tweaking, there's a little something missing that I haven't had the heart to churn up just yet) I felt perhaps it was the best time to step away from writing. Writing is an art form for those with visions and dreams that can be expressed and delivered in the simplest of hands without the complexity of diction. And me? Well simplicity hasn't exactly been my cuppa tea or coffee, I can't even express the simple action of someone walking out the door exactly as that, it always needs a little more dressing than necessary. But it's been a fun ride so far, so I guess who knows what happens next. I was gonna say maybe next year I'll change my opinion 'bout writing and I might invade the writing pad with a barrage of words...but then again the new year has just a few more days left to go.

It's been a good time, a fortunate time and a thankful one at that as well. The upcoming year is one with definitely a lot of changes, it's just one of those things you can sense in the ether, so all I have to say is look forward to grabbing things by the horns or get outta the way if it seems to be charging towards you at a pace you can't compute or handle...I mean think about it logically, if there's a raging, charging bull coming at you would you stand in front of it and say 'Gee I'm gonna grab it's horns and jump on it's back' or are you gonna get outta the way 'cuz you love your life way too much and doing anything else is just plain stupid? There's a lot of stuff that's made me reflect and internalize things a little too much, internalization is something that I really have to stop doing. Nobody internalizes as much, at least not to the extent I do. It's good at times, but at other times it eats away at you so much, that in a few years time you will turn out like an apple core. You won't even realize how it happened or when it happened, all you'll become is that disjointed browning core. It's a real pain in the arse too because nobody else cares nor is bothered to know what you discovered about yourself, and by the time you finish and come to that epiphany about yourself your brain doesn't care either. It snorts and says 'I told you so'...internalize so as to keep your own self true to yourself, not otherwise, or else you'll turn into your own worst nightmare.

Oh and another epic conclusion for the year would be, the world really is filled with billions of ignorant people, who hold on to notions and conclusions passed down from generations and don't really care to look around and soak up a little more about the world around them. I could do a continent by continent analysis but there are a few I haven't been to yet...but the other ones I've been to I can summarize. But then what's the point? It's not like people are going to start changing the way they see things or approach things. The only time anyone thinks or feels others are ignorant is when they have been affronted on a personal level. It really irritates me how little people know about the world we live in, and knowing the little that they do know how they make complete asses and fools of themselves by trying to glorify their knowledge by stating all the wrong things and thinking nobody else knows what they're talking about. Given this day and age you would think people would know better than to state things without double checking with 'Google' right?

Well not everything has been so disappointing, did I mention how I have finished 2 stories??!! I mean it's a whole 2 stories! That's never happened before, so in a way I guess I can still surprise myself :D. Other than that I've got this internal craving to read up on Indian History, my knowledge on the subject seems to be diminishing and going away from me. There are some things in life that we abhor at a young age because we're forced to go through the motions and learn things...but then with time an interest is culminated and the spark of curiosity ignites the fire of thirst for knowledge. That's when you genuinely get interested in wanting to know what actually happened and wanting to know how things came to be. Off late I've been wanting to get my hands on some poetry, maybe philosophy and definitely world history. Well pretty much get my hands on a book, yes e-books are available and all but I'm a huge fan of the old school way of having a book in your hand, where you can turn the pages and enjoy if not savour every delectable word on every page. It's just something beautiful in it's own way. Upon expressing this desire to my folks the response was, you don't have time to read other useless things, just read the books you need to for school...*sigh*...of course, being the rebel I am, there was a defiant 'NO' that emanated from within and was expressed. All I got in response to that was a few tuts and 'tsk tsks' and amusing laughs at my defiance. Their support of the rebel is always so amusing and entertaining lol.

In addition to being writer extraordinaire and all of that, other great and wonderful things that happened included heart warming reunions with people I cherish, getting news that makes your whole world spin outta excitement and happiness (yesss!!! this was definitely the news I wasn't anticipating but it's the best thing I could've heard in all these months :)...so keeping my fingers and toes crossed) and I think finally getting a handle on being the 3 AM friend. I can't believe I wasted my time listening to some boring drama that I could've read up elsewhere or watched elsewhere and figured out, next time don't worry I have a solution for your problem...'I'm sleepy and tired find someone else to talk to' OR 'I know the number for this great & awesome person who charges by the hour and session to listen, analyze and give you perfect advice and I'm not sure if OHIP covers it, but make sure you get a referral via your family physician!' This one way street of friendship just found it's 'Dead end' and termination zone. I have problems and concerns of my own that may just bury me alive while I'm walking and working through 'em.

Well I've gone on a little more than necessary, it's not really as staccato-ish as a staccato note tends to be. Well 'tis that time of the year, so merry wishes and good cheer to you all and have a fantastic and heart and soul warming time with the people that matter the most to you. Really...don't waste your time with those who don't value it, you'll be glad you didn't. Don't make resolutions...resolve to do things, as it will add more character to the things you do and it will keep you moving forward. All you need is a little resolve, despite everything that comes your way, your resolve will be the burning fire that will push you forward and get you closer to your dreams. Merry Christmas everyone and I hope Santa has a little something for all of you!